I got nothing to say about music, war, trust, or even how my day went. There's something that's been eating me up for a long time. I never have had a chance to describe it or even bring it up to a soul. But I think this is the best time in my life to release the tension that's been poking me in the back of my head. I've been with this dude [Greg] for 1 year and 5 months and we've gone through a lot, well actually we've put each other through a lot. After his proposal I've been thinking about how much shit I've done in my life and why the bloody hell I'm still on this earth?! And than I look at Greg and ask myself if he's always going to be ... well Greg (lol) I'm not complaining he trys, he's an expert at trying but doing is another element. Many people question our engagement; call it a game, well that's what I first saw it as, I saw Greg's proposal as a fucking idea not a plan/4ever love kinda thing. But when I really looked at my life and him I sorda got down to the thought that maybe if I didn’t worry so much about him letting me go than I wouldn’t be covered in shame all the time. His lifestyle doesn’t scare me it doesn’t even phase me but hearing him say he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, NOW THAT SCARES THE LIVING VAGAINA OUTTA ME, and maybe I'm suppose to feel that way considering I'm an underdog, and underdogs like to be left alone. But maybe I'm just being selfish (something Greg is known to be).
This is all that's been bothering me, this is what has made me distance myself from Greg and (in the past) relationships. Now that I know why I've hurt dudes in the past and why I've been hurt my just people in general, I'm going to look at Greg in a different perspective.